Innuendos and double entendres.

Have I changed? There are some days where I certainly feel like a different person,
But am I any different than I was a week, a month, a year ago?

When I meet people from my past, do I revert back to old me?
Or did I not change at all?

Smoking underneath the railroad bridge.

This.
         Is the.
                    Outcome I would not have expected. 

If you miss childhood, raise your hand.

I hate it when you listen to music that moves you so much, and you feel like you're not living up to the visual aspect to correspond with the song. Does that make any sense? Fuck it. Maybe I let it get to me too much. I just feel obligated to take part in something BIG when I'm like this. But it's bedtime for me.

Hello journal. I've missed you. Sort of.
I disappeared for a while. I'm back now, for at least a little while.
I think I'm lonely. I didn't just admit that, though.

I feel like I've changed somewhat.
Maybe not a complete personal overhaul, but something feels significantly different inside of me.
Peculiar.
It's so common for people to say it, but I feel like I'm doing something different.
Or something.
This isn't to say that other people don't go through similar influential transformations in themselves,
but... this just feels... powerful? 

The people I've met and spoken with out here, the places I've seen and the things I've done have all had
their hand in sculpting me into... whatever this is.
Strange things are afoot in my personality. Quirks and idiosyncrasies are making their feature debut.

Neat.

I love my job. There are beautiful weirdos left and right.
Almost everyone I've met, I have some sort of bizarre connection with. This city is filled with odd chances. 

ALSO/EDIT: I've fallen in love roughly twenty times since I've arrived. This is toxic. And delightful.

I'm in Vancouver. That's not news, though.
It's been a month, and to say the least, I'm really enjoying myself.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't difficult, though. Some points of this first month out here have been lonely.
I still know no one. 
I just wish I had some sort of self confidence. Enough to at least meet someone without an introduction or a previously established connection. There's no "friend of a friend" out here. I want to make some friends. That would be nice.
On the plus side, I'm now working with a bunch of beautiful hippies. Maybe they could be my friends.

    That's when I'm leaving. I'm moving to Vancouver. I need an adventure, so I'm doing it. I've booked my flights, it's all paid for. I've never been there before, so why not? Why not?
I want to see the other side. It's possible it may be completely the same, though I doubt it. I've got no one there. There's no family, no friends really, and I'm forced to make some new ones. I'm forced to find something/someone to keep me interested, to keep everything busy. I want the summer. I want to feel warm grass, heated by a full eight hours of sun, reach those places between my toes that rarely see the light of day. I want to feel jet lag. I want to see the Pacific. I want to see mountains. I want to find those new, strange hidden places that seem so Cliché that I feel a need to spend time there. 
    I cannot wait to see what kind of beautiful thing this could result in.

I'm scared to death of you. Every time I see you, I dread it. Every time I think of you, I feel weak. Every time I hear your name, I feel sick. I feel nauseous a lot these days. All thanks to you.

I never thought a pair of eyes could do such strong things to me.

It's not regret,
It's not rue or lament,
But some sort of shame that I haven't found this before!

At least I know now.
I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE.
....If only it were a little sooner...

Things have gotten exponentially better.



There's a weird little zit on my face,
It's big, but has no head and now
It's made my whole nose cherry red.




...There's just one more thing I need to do,
One more thing that needs to be said,
And then things will be perfect.

It's one of those days that makes you wonder why you decided to get out of bed.
It's one of those days that makes breathing seem like a bad choice.

My God, I'm so tired. My head is swimming. I feel like I've been drugged, which is an impossibility. What is going on with my head? Blah.

On the plus side.... I think that maybe, just maybe, things will be alright. I never thought I'd say it, but I wish the bus ride was longer. Give me three more hours... Please?

Stupid emotions, always running amok.

Love really sucks.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

I want someone who confuses me.
I want someone who never needs to explain his/herself.
I want to be left guessing.

I'm dreaming of someone who doesn't exist. Someone who smokes cigarettes, and never  says why. Someone who quotes poetry and never really explains it to me. Someone who's eccentric, and I never know where the energy's coming from. Someone who leaves me at random to do God knows what, and never tell me later. A brief connection, for a few moments a day, every  day.

I want someone I can fall in love with, and never even come close to figuring out.

There's not really much to say aside from that.

Hmmm.... Well, maybe I will elaborate.  I love my classes. Intro to acting is one of the greatest choices I could've made this year.

I was involved in a gunfight on a roof. How exciting!

I love dancing like an idiot until I'm hot and sweaty and don't know what to do with myself.

I'm really settled in here, this is the nicest bedroom have had, ever. Hands down! I have a vanity! I'm not even that into looking good!

Paul is in the next room over, and he is making whoopee. It's awkward.

I think this year is going to be really polarized. It could be either really terrific, or really awful. We'll see where it goes from here. Hopefully on the

positive side.

I met a german boy named Raphael, and we talked about politics. He seemed sad, which almost made him more interesting. The world is a

sad, sad place these days, from what I've gathered.

   So I think I'm really going to miss my job. Everyone is here for the summer, and for the past few days, everyone's been leaving. It is so sad. Stefanie yesterday, Brian today, me, Mark, and someone else tomorrow.

At the Lord Nelson, it's apparently a tradition to "pie" someone on his or her last night. Stefanie got it, and Brian got it. These pies are not delicious. They are (in Stef's case), week and a half old seafood casserole, blended in with some compost remnants, cranberries, whipped cream, and lots of old milk. Brian had a delightful concoction of beer, anchovies, onions, cream, and other disgusting ingredients. (It looked like salad dressing in some places). It's disgusting, filthy, rancid, and incredibly sweet. It's so strange to see a girl, coated in rotten food, crying. Not because her clothes or her hair are ruined, but because it means it really is goodbye to these people. I'm going to miss this.

On the plus side, everyone is coming back during Christmas, and apparently it's nothing but parties and alchie good times. That = rad tips.

LET'S TALK ABOUT MOVIES BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

I just watched two really neat documentaries lately, one about the MPAA, and their zany, secretive methods of rating films, which are also incredibly hypocritical. The other was about the word fuck. It was awesome.

Watch Shortbus. It's a  movie that's too good to be true, but it exists anyway.

TWO MOVIES I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO SEE.

SUPERBAD: Need I say anything?

BE KIND REWIND: My God, watch the trailer. Michel Gondry rocks, and so does Mos Def. Even Jack Black occasionally rocks my socks, and he will in this. I CAN FEEL IT.

DAN IN REAL LIFE: Steve Carrell being hilarious and smart like he should be doing, and not fucking his career up the bum with EVAN ALMIGHTY.

Oh, and just because I'm a robosexual, here's another video, with a better view of sweet glowing suits.

Oh, and this. THEY GLOW.

So, yeah. I came back. From this.